Due to my current state-of-mind I find myself thinking about the duality within me—maybe within all of us. When this duality within people is mentioned it is usually either in a negative context or humorously, rarely recognized as part of the Human Condition. It is possible than when it manifests most of us don’t recognize the source and want to attribute it to confusion, schizophrenia, paranoia, and sundry other psychobabble euphemisms. I think, more times than not, it is either the heart or the brain manifesting its polar self, oft times creating a conflict within that, when expressed, appears to be in opposition to a statement just uttered. This happens when one doesn’t resolve issues within and the internal dissonance is voiced.
And then again, maybe I am just nuts! I am willing to go on with this idea under the hope I am onto something real and not just looking to rationalize my own touch of insanity.
The reference to heart and brain is a simplification for emotions and intellect, and technically the emotions are also part of the brain, but I am choosing to assign them as noted for ease in my own thinking. According to neurologists the distinction is: left brain hemisphere is linear thinking—words, numbers, geometric and sequential constructs (intellect), right brain hemisphere is spatial—artistic, colors, amorphous shapes, touchy-feely, gooey stuff (emotions). I still prefer brain and heart as it is simpler for me to visualize.
The heart knows exactly what it wants and doesn’t care about the price, be it monetary, security, even physical safety; price is secondary to the heart. That is because the heart knows, not just what it wants, but what it needs, and in the case of the heart the two are one and the same. The heart is never wrong, but may appear to be so based upon the brain’s interpretation of the needs and the course of action it chooses to achieve the needs, or conversely, the course of inaction to avoid the needs.
The brain works on a different level than the heart. The brain has a lifetime of imprints, events, and observation shading all it perceives. It is there to coordinate all the heart’s needs, all the body’s needs, and all the perceived wants bombarding it 24/7. Heck of a job!
Left to its own, the heart can create chaos, even danger, acquiring its needs; while the brain will repress, even suppress, these needs to ensure the body stays safe. We are forever ignoring ourselves to do what we “think” is right, or what others say is right, and in doing so we slowly de-sensitize our emotions, sometimes to the point of deadening them past redemption. The brain without emotional awareness is nothing more than a computer; an automaton, machine-like, calculating our bank accounts so we can keep shelter for the body, steering our daily course away from dangerous situations, and spewing the politically correct pablum of the day. Not all that dad…? I disagree. Shelter, to the brain is four walls and a roof—period. The niceties are not needed, as the brain sees a house as shelter, not a home. A home is made when the heart intercedes and meets its needs for comfort, beauty, and self-expression. Yes, self-expression. The brain has no desire for self-expression—it has no self, as self is the heart; self is our uniqueness; self is who we are, not the brain’s concept: what we are. And exactly what are dangerous situations and are all bad? I hope the brain keeps me from wandering, at night, in the wrong area of a strange city. Please, brain, keep that up! But is we preclude all danger, we preclude the very things that remind us we’re alive; the very things that excite us and give us reason to continue on living. The brain does not want us to ride motorcycles, surf, ride the rapids, or any other activity that can cause damage to the body. Left to its own desires, the brain would do its best to swathe us in a cocoon where danger cannot reach up. Of course, life cannot reach us then, either.
A simplistic description of this is: the left brain creates boxes, preferably perfectly square, and wants everything about life to fit neatly within the confines of these boxes; the right brain is all about space and movement—chaos, even—and considers the keft brain’s boxes more as the cells in a prison. The left brain needs these boxes to maintain a semblance of continuity and functionality, requirement to live in our three-dimensional world; a world populated with others with whom we need to interact. Without some sort of containment the right brain would run rampant over others, invade their space, and in general, be totally dysfunctional. Conversely, the left brain would tie everything up neatly in the boxes and be just as dysfunctional as the unrestrained left brain. There would be no desires, no love, no dreaming—square boxes inhibit these aspects—just soulless existence. Emotions need containment, but by their nature need to live in triangles, tetrahedrons, circles, ovals, and shapes not possible to construct in our three-dimensional world.
Introspection, self-communication, reflection—call it what you will, but some internal dialogue is necessary to bring coherence between the brain and the heart. The heart always is truthful with its needs, so the brain needs to listen to it. The brain then needs to implement a course that will provide these needs without sacrificing the body—in some cases, the heart, too. For instance, the heart needs love, but the brain needs to ensure the best course of action so the heart isn’t constantly broken. Out of self-interest though, the brain needs to see that love is achieved, not avoided. Personal experience has taught me that a heart in conflict, or unfulfilled, weighs heavily on the brain and leads to near mental shutdown. At best, a conflicted heart greatly diminishes the brain’s ability to soar to any heights.
With internal communication, the heart aids the brain in constructing “boxes” that freely contain the heart, allowing latitude in emotional growth, expression, and movement. Needs are met in a synergistic environ promoting each with the safety and the energy required for a healthy unity.
The preceding is a prologue to what I find within myself and will try to write about in hopes it helps me become more self-aware.
Through brain-hemisphere tests and observations of my accomplishments I have found I have very distinctive left and right brain separation, but was gifted with a great highway of sorts between the two. This has allowed me to integrate the two halves into whole at times and is reflected in my work. The upside is: I can take problems into my left brain and the right brain will saunter over and help re-design a box that allows for more possibilities for solving the problem. I have people comment on my intelligence, even genius (he sez with true humbleness), over the years due to my knack for problem solving. They take my denial of genius to be false-modesty, or maybe lack of self-esteem, because they do not understand that my technique is taking a slightly above average intellect and coupling it to a reasonably developed spatial sense. I do this with some facility, so I can see why they think I are bein’ an genious! Most people are either not gifted with this ability or have not developed it. The downside is: I seem to be unable to consciously tap either side independently, and this is where trouble starts. Carole left me because I am a dreamer, and in her eyes would never amount to anything. I have admit it does seem to have detracted me to the degree I am not as financially successful as maybe I “should” be. I do have this idea that keeps me okay with me: without dreaming, one has no dreams that can come true.
Financial mediocrity is not the only thing I have had to deal with over the years. No, wish it were sometimes….
I loved Patsy with all my heart. Problem: my childhood did not teach the tools to effectively express that love. I felt it. I tasted it. I lived it in my head. I completely botched it in the real world. It took years to figure out I had to unlearn—erase—the imprints taken on during a very dysfunctional childhood, and replace them with healthy, functional tools for personal, interactive communication. W.H.A.T. A T.A.S.K. !!! To me this task rivaled all of the tasks thrust upon Hercules; the Aegean Stables—piece of cake; aiding the crew of the Argo with the Helen of Troy issue—nothing! I had a task! Was I even capable of doing it? Obviously if one takes into account my course deviation to attempted suicide and coma, it did not come easily. Actually, the suicide attempt was successful. The event allowed me to obtain tools I was sorely lacking and even more sorely needed, an at the same time kill the man who grew out of my childhood while giving birth to a new man who was growing out of his experiences and avid desire to become (just become…).
This newly emerging man was able to look more clearly at things: past, present, and future, without the hang-ups imprinted from a twisted childhood. Had I but learned it earlier…. One of the things I HAD to do was forgive the ignorant, dysfunctional self of before—he did the best he knew how. Another thing I HAD to do was promise myself that there was no repeating such actions—I now knew better! I believe I have been doing very well in becoming….
One major hurdle to overcome was guilt. Guilt in how I treated those to whom I professed to love. Did I love them? Yes! Did I show it as it should have been shown? How it should have been enacted? No. I knew the feelings of love; I knew the depths of love; I knew every time I fell short—always after the fact. It created such a degree of cognitive dissonance within me, I ultimately reached 1986…. If I had such great love and couldn’t express it, why go on. So I didn’t. The tools I garnered when in rehab allowed me to begin the integration of the brain and the heart. Of course, by then I had hurt so many of those I loved, and lost both their trust and respect, as well, I had even more time to work on this integration, but none with which to share the steps as I starting building them. Frustrating to me, but fair, considering the hurt I had caused. A price is assessed for every action—some prices higher than others….
As the integration gained ground, my thoughts and feelings both changed. My guilt lessened, disappeared, and a sense of well-being came onto me. I became happy that I was capable of loving to this degree; that love was truly a good thing…. My brain wrapped around this and allowed me to visit this memory and put it into words that slowly lost all negative connotations. Even to the point of embracing it and becoming proud of it. It also stopped being “unrequited love”, as I realized that though it was not reciprocated, that didn’t mean it couldn’t have been had she been aware of it, that it couldn’t yet be. So I became comfortable with it. Heart accepted the might-have-been; brain accepted the could-have-worked; and the newly integrated me accepted that I would always carry my love for her with me throughout my life, and that it would keep me both warm and never lonely. Whatta revelation! This integration stuff works! Once the brain accepts the heart’s needs, and the heart accepts the brain’s need to proceed with a degree of caution and decorum, the totality gets healthier and healthier. Wow! So simple!
As time went on I have learned to apply this to nearly every aspect of my life, even Carole’s walking out on me. But that’s for another entry. I hope to go more into The three loves of my life—two of which are great loves—and how I either handled or mishandled, and hopefully the lessons learned, in more detail. I still love Patsy—my first great love—dearly and wish for her all that life will bestow upon her; I care for Carole, whom I loved, but was not “in love with”; and the third: though not as yet known to me, so deeply in love with her I shiver, at times. I hope to relate the love story that transcends all that came before. Stand aside Paris and Helen of Troy, Tristan and Isolde, I have one I hope the stars help me live and write about!
Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections.
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